TRIANGLES: The Bible, Bowen and Me

 

  

 

Ann Long

Pinehurst Chapter of the College of Pastoral Supervision and Psychotherapy

Saturday, September 18, 2009

Long before most of you came to the College of Pastoral Supervision and Psychotherapy, at some point in the journey we call life and ministry, the question had been asked and answered:

         

“What is your guiding theory?”

 

The answer, for me, is:

“Bowen Family Systems.”

 

This morning I will be focusing on one of the nine concepts of Bowen theory[1]. When the anxiety level in any relationship (a dyad) becomes uncomfortable, the one with the highest level of discomfort will use a third person to bind the anxiety, to lessen the anxiety by sharing it with another. The third person, or object, is added to the emotional field and we now have a triangle. The triangle is the basic building block of all emotional systems. (Bowen M. , 1985, p. 373)

 

My guiding principles are theological and my primary source is the Bible. Therefore, all of Bowen theory is viewed through the lens of Armenian theology.  It has been my experience that the two are very compatible and I note here that Bowen grew up in a small town in Tennessee where social life was centered on the local Presbyterian church.

 

That said, let’s start with a dyad. I (A) have a conversation with (B) and B’s anxiety rises. B now has two choices. B can choose to be transparent and express the feelings associated with the anxiety to A.  Conversely, B could choose not to discuss it. When the second option is exercised, either consciously or subconsciously, we have what Bowen labels emotional cutoff.

 

 

 A ___________ B  

 

 

The anxiety will compel B to triangle. It may be immediately or at some point later in time. The pattern for how, when and where the triangles function is established in the family of origin. (Richardson, 2004) How the triangles themselves function is best described by Game Theory. (Bowen K. a., 1988)

 

Now suppose that C’s anxiety becomes unmanageable and C goes to D. How many persons are now in my emotional field; how many potential triangles?  C is upset and in a blaming position. The conversation goes something like “Ain’t It Awful.” (Berne, 1964, pp. 110-112)  This is done so as to insure the comments are overheard by a third person (Bowen K. a., 1988, p. 137).  How many persons are in my emotional system? How many potential triangles?  E is a responsible person who alerts A that the games have begun.  This is illustrated and referred to as interlocking triangles. Note the fact that the triangles multiply exponentially. (Kephart, 1950)

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile, C has a chance encounter with me. This conversation is an expression of the outsider. It goes something like: “B said that you have a relationship with her that you do not have with me. I feel that I should be a part of that system because yadda yadda.” The emotional cutoff that occurred in the original dyad was the result of hurt feelings (narcissistic wounding to the sense of self which increases the pathology/anxiety/symptoms in the system) and the anxiety has spread system-wide[2]. I now have multiple choices to navigate the emotional unit.

 

How does Bowen Family Systems Theory guide me in the dyad?

·       It is not personal; it is a natural outcome of ambient anxiety. (Gilbert, 2006, p. 6)

·       Do not blame or assign motive.

·       Remain calm and in a research position[3].

·       Accept responsibility for my role in the system.

·       Stay connected to all peoples in the system.

 

How does the Bible guide me? What does it have to say about my relationship with B?

·       If my brother/sister in Christ is cutoff and I ignore the situation, God will not bless my ministry. 

·       It is my responsibility to go to him/her.

 ²³"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, ²⁴leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. [Matthew 5:23-24 (New International Version)]

If B chooses to maintain the emotional cutoff (Titelman, 2003), how does theory guide me?

·       Detriangle. (Bowen K. a., 1988, p. 157) 

·       Stay connected to all persons in the emotional field.

 

What does the Bible have to say?

·       Go to B a second time with other saint(s).

·       If B continues to cutoff, take it to the church body.

·       If B continues to cutoff s/he becomes the outsider.

 ¹⁵"If your brother sins against you go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. ¹⁶But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' ¹⁷If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.[(Matthew 18:15-17 (New International Version)]

 

 

CONCLUSION

As we close this discussion on triangles, it is apparent that the concept is not a simple one. The possibilities and functions are numerous but predictable. Our guiding principles help us to keep our subjective opinions and inherent tendency to judge and project an assumed motive to a minimum level. Triangles are not good or bad. Triangles just are. When we comprehend this premise, we begin to see triangles in our emotional field as they are instead of the feelings invoked by them.  This basic understanding enables us to become more mature, individuated as persons, and leaders.

One word of caution is indicated here. In his personal correspondence Murry Bowen said that it is wise to practice the theory within our families of origin before using the concepts in the workplace. Otherwise one might expect to be terminated. (Boyd, p. 17)

 

 

 

 

POTENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS WITHIN GROUPS

 

 

Number of persons                                                                                     Potential relationships

 

               2                                                                                                                           1

 

               3                                                                                                                           6

 

               4                                                                                                                         25

 

               5                                                                                                                         90

 

               6                                                                                                                        301

 

               7                                                                                                                        966

 

 

 

(Wilmot, 1980)

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[1] The nine concepts are: 1) the nuclear family emotional system 2) the differentiation of self scale 3) triangles 4) cutoff 5) family projection process 6) mutigenerational transmission process 7) sibling position 8) emotional process in society 9) the supernatural.

[2] PR = 3^N – 2^{N +1} + 1 where PR is the number of potential relationships, and N is the number of persons in the group.   Good citation…                                 

                    2

[3] The research position is based on gathering as accurate set of facts as possible, and not on the perception that it is all my fault, or there is something wrong with me, an all or nothing type of thinking, though feelings are given a great deal of attention.